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Porn Addict – True Singapore Story

By Jason C

Addicted to Porn
“I feel part guilt as I’m telling you my story, but no, I don’t think I’m cheating on my wife” so claims Jason*, 33 a successful property agent who has been married for three years to Christina, a petite and attractive teacher.

Jason began his flirtations with pornography since 14 when he was in secondary school. “I remember secretly looking at porn magazines like playboy which an affluent classmate would steal from his father’s stash and bring to school” recalls Jason almost fondly. He and his classmates would take turns to look at the pictures in the privacy of their classroom during recess. This slowly grew into a craving and he used to borrow pornographic VCDs and watch in the secrecy of his bedroom. This went on long into his university days.

[b]The Wicked Wide Web [/b]

The Internet was a dream come true with easy access to online publications and tons of free pictures and videos. Jason remembers spending hours surfing and sieving through countless pages of pornographic material on his computer. The joys and pleasure that porn brought to him was unparalleled. Yet, Jason was never a socially backward individual. He had his fair share of relationships and fleeting romances. “I did enjoy the company of girls and never forced my online sexual fantasies onto my sexual partners” claims Jason. His porn addiction was his little secret. Eventually he met Christina* and fell in love. After a courtship of two years, they tied the knot and moved into their own 5-room flat on the eastern side of Singapore.

“I never thought I had an addiction to porn and expected my porn urge to quench upon my marriage to a woman I truly loved” says Jason. Initially his secret porn habits seemed to be curbed. Jason went days without his usual porn fix. Too enthralled by marriage life and the rigours of a new home his porn desires took a backseat, or so Jason thought. He remembers staying up late so just he could indulge in his clandestine activities. Jason was always careful to lock and make his computer password-safe. Christina never even suspected him of being a porn addict. “The early months of my marriage was sheer bliss and our sexual relations never suffered, however, slowly the excitement and intimacy began to dwindle” says Jason. He could not help but just wonder if this was due to his porn addiction that made him stay up at least 2 hours every night on the computer. He was gratifying himself sexually via pictures and videos on the internet. Each night he was fantasising and pleasuring himself to a different girl’s picture and Christina’s presence in his dark domain was simply diminishing fast.

Cracks in the marriage

After a year into his marriage, Jason was having sex once or just twice per month and he unashamedly admits that it was Christina who did all the prompting. Their marriage began to strain and Christina even suspected him of having an affair which Jason vehemently denied. He even brought her on a short holiday to strengthen the intimacy and trust between the couple. “Even on holiday it took quite a bit of resolve not to use the hotel computer to check the latest pictures on the porn sites” admits Jason. It was during this period that Jason realised he might have become enslaved to his secret habits. Yet, he couldn’t stop his indulgence. His fascination with porn evolved. Pictures and videos started to bore him. He found himself drawn to more hardcore material and the free websites couldn’t provide enough for his urges.

Jason began subscribing to pay-per-view pornographic material. “I was paying about $65 monthly to get my hands on the best videos” recalls Jason, his voice laden with guilt. He remembers almost getting caught late one night while pleasuring himself. Christina woke up and came out of the bedroom to check on him. Jason managed to catch a glimpse of her from the corner of his eye and just opened up a new internet page in the nick of time as she marched over. “I think she’s probably worried that I may be chatting with another woman or having cyber-sex with a stranger” claims Jason in his defense. His addiction went on and his marriage was strained to the point that Christina suggested a split. This was the spark that Jason needed.

He sought solace in his church pastor who he swore to secrecy. Jason began reading more self-help articles over the internet. His instrument of decadence was his saving grace now, in all irony. Jason was determined to make his marriage work but just could not find the courage to tell Christina. “I’m definitely not a bad husband, I love her too much to hurt her by telling the truth. Besides I’m totally faithful to her. Its just an online obsession” says Jason in an attempt to justify his actions. His actions appeased Christina and though their marriage is far from ideal, talk of a separation seems to be water under the bridge for now. Jason tucks Christina into bed and makes it a ritual to spend time just lying next to her talking and making her smile. As Christina drifts off into blissful sleep, Jason slithers silently out of the bed and into his seat of habit, opposite the monitor. He too drifts away, but into his own clandestine world. “I know I’m not cheating on her. I’m old enough to differentiate right from wrong, it's just that Christina wouldn’t understand and it's just my own way of relieving stress. Perhaps one day I’ll find the courage to tell her about my habit.

Am I addicted? Of course not” claims Jason. A gambler who refuses to believe he’s bound to the cards? Or an alcoholic laughing off the fact he’s enslaved to the bottle?